Soundtrack: Papa Roach: Last Resort, Five Finger Death Punch: Remember Everything.
Before I start I need to make a blanket statement disclaimer. This is going to be a series. Some of the letters will be positive and uplifting. Some will not. The views in these posts are mine alone. The perspective is that of an adult, healing, looking back through the eyes of a child. Things changed as I grew up, and the relationships have either been repaired, are being repaired, or are estranged. While I filter some of my thoughts (slightly) for various reasons: respect, privacy, desire to not deal with the backlash of truth… I am going to still be transparent which will convey the message that I want to share. These stories are mine. My memories. #SorryNotSorry
Dear Younger Self,
You will always hate the smell of Brach’s Cinnamon Hard Candies. The taste will repulse you. If someone places one in their mouth or a similar artificial cinnamon smell contaminates the air, you will always have a physiological response. On Halloween every year, you will pick the cinnamon disks out of the treat bags and place them directly in the trash. Even the orange and black candies that no one wants will remain, but cinnamon candies will be sorted out. You will feel they are tainted – they cannot even be shared. This will lessen as you get older. After awhile, the feeling of saliva sprinkling your face while being screamed at and the throbbing on your head and face will only replay when you try to think about it. You will always hate that smell, but not always feel the same way.
Try to memorize the details of being a kid. As much as your mind can, savor the times you feel good. Happy. You will hear people telling you, “You were forced to grow up too early.” You will end up not remembering many happy memories; some fishing trips, some holiday meals at Grandma’s. There are more and someday it will be a struggle to find them. It will be hard, I know, but try to lock away a few gems. Try to get the details to vividly show in your memories. Hold onto your afternoons with Grandma and weaving in and out of the trees on the four-wheeler. The cold air that makes your cheeks tingle. The smell of bark, dirt, and leaves. The paths through the woods and that sense of accomplishment when you make a new path; breaking it in is such a blast! You will forget the times that you got on the four-wheeler to disappear; to getaway. Those moments that you needed… alone.
Remember the joy of sorting your baseball and football cards. You will always appreciate collecting – coins, cards… it is a valuable investment of your time. You will always wonder why paying your mother in baseball cards, as a bribe to get ungrounded, was a real thing. You may struggle to remember how it actually started. When did that become a ‘thing?’ You’ll get suspicious groundings that will not make sense when you get older and piece-by-piece your collection will dwindle. You will hate that you gave her your entire collection so you could take a small vacation to Six Flags with a friend. It will be irrelevant by the time you sit down to write a “dear self” letter (and you will have fond memories of that theme-park weekend), but if we could alter that choice… that would be nice. Hold on to some of the cards, so you can pass them along to your kids someday.
You will always wonder if your balding is a result of being tossed into a wall or two. The hair pulled during the tussle or the handle to pick you up. The holes in the walls will be patched, but will be obvious if you look carefully. You won’t live in that house for much longer, and you will never get a broken bone or other serious injury. Don’t let yourself think that speaking up is just going to make problems for everyone. You are not responsible for her crying. For his roid-rage. No matter how many times you are blamed or labeled the problem – you are just a child. The fights will end; the physical damage will heal. I wish I could tell you that the emotional damage would – but I am not going to lie to you. The numbness will take over at some point. That feeling will be labeled “survival” later in your life. The emotional work will go on for years and years. Like layers of paint, you will one day peel them back to look at each one of them. You will make a path and your instincts will take action for you. Shutting down certain thoughts or feelings to just make it. And you will… make it.
Speaking up will be good for everyone, in the end. Until then, hold on tight, and imagine the weekends in the woods. Bruising goes away. You will not ever convince them to acknowledge what happened – a lifetime of denial for all involved, so it would seem. But, pay attention here, Joe: it’s not your fault. You may be a typical kid, challenging and disagreeable at times, but they should be able to navigate that. You will never play your parents against each other. You will get the good grades and think of others first. You will have compassion for people. Compassion for life. While the standards may not be attainable or even consistent, you will find ways to navigate… Grandma and Grandpa will be a major pillar for you. Embrace that. You are not responsible for the conflict that will come between those families. The pain mom and dad will make, or have made, create all of this. You will later remember them. They had to be hurting too. You will wonder why and wish that was not so. Also, I remember you vowing “I will not do this to my kids.” You will do well to remember this. It will cause a lot of self-doubt, for many years, but you will find your way through it.
Yes, Joe, it is unfair, and not just by your standards. You will feel the affirmation and empathy when anyone pries these stories out of you. I say “pries” – because you will go through a period where you bury all of this deep within you. It will grow. Fester. Like a painful abscess that threatens to overtake you. At times, you will need some help. No, it won’t be easy and incredible amounts of shame will surround you. The mind is a funny thing, but that shouldn’t be a concern right now. When you are offered your first drink, in high school, say no thanks. It will only start something you will have to finish. Delay that as long as possible.
It will be a hard path to find the future you that gets it and is ok with talking about all of it. Dad will disappear and though he will be just minutes away at times, he will never contact you. In fact, he won’t even meet three of your kids. The one time that you reach out in hard times, his only concern will be about inheritance money. Mom will also disappear for a while. She has a very rough life, much of which will continue to be a mystery to you. Someday she will be constantly trying to be involved or to talk to you. She will change and so will you. When you’re ready, there will be a relationship there.
Lastly, younger self, you are loved. People love you. It is obvious in photos, looking back. It is obvious in stories from others that you love back. Every positive thought will seem to stem from Grandma’s & Grandpa’s evenings and afternoons. The fact that you will not remember being hugged one time by your mom or dad, will always be curious to you. You will over-analyze it. It was your fault, their fault, the sadness of abandonment, anger and so on. You will walk through a sort of grieving cycle, many times. Then, one day, you will be married and have children. They will turn out amazingly. It will end up being non-traditional, but you will make it work. Relationships end sometimes. And your lifelong desire, to be loved, will happen, one day, much later. You will make it.
More letters will come. Today, I am going to spend time searching for the joys that we can remember, and write the moments down. Savor those joys – our memories are critical to us and I want to remember the good that did happen.
With warmth and hope,
An Older Self.
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