aimless. nameless. insane-ness.

Courtesy of Google Images

Prepare for a brain-dump. Tenses and words smattered all over the place. My mental soup right now. #SorryNotSorry.

I was thinking of the movie Avatar this morning. Specifically, the vlogs that the main character does through the project that he is a part of. While I do not want to or have that in me, I was thinking about blogging. I think that is healthy to have some form of communication that we can count on. Also, how it will act as a time/date stamp for some of the highlights going on. This site is my platform for sharing points that I wanted to make – but it has also become a form of journaling for me. I have the Red Book, that I keep for some “adventures” that Q and I have, but some of the thoughts do not flow into the theme for that book. Right now, my thoughts are a hodge-podge of things. It feels like I am… well we… are constantly figuring things out. And wrapping up an entry in the Red Book, I realized there will be limited adventures for an undetermined about of time.

This week was intense. So many days seem to be like that now. Not quite at tally the days on the wall with chalk – but not that far off either. One of my daughters had a birthday this week. My oldest, one of my boys, turned 16 this week. Amazing positive highlights in life – and even more so in this time, we are in. Six years ago this week, grandma passed away. (I spent some time, and tears, watching her remembrance video.) I do have a separate post that I am working on, specifically, about those topics – but it is taking time to process all that I want to say. Heavy emotions, tears, and frustrations come out when I walk through those topics. So, I have to dip in and out of those right now. I want to capture all of the thoughts – and this post is more a collective set of thoughts for the week.

I find myself constantly refreshing my Google news feed. I also find myself trying to be hyper-alert to everything. Even in a form of isolation, I find it exhausting. I still feel like venturing out is a primitive hunting party. While I have only done that a couple of times (once before lockdown and once after), I imagine it as a warzone with enemy fire everywhere. It cannot be intense all of the time though. I have found comfort in small things right now. While I drive to and from work, I have continued listening to audio segments. I use Hoopla, Libby (Overdrive), and Apple Podcasts most of the time. While working, I have been streaming Amazon music. At the house, I have had some form of music or audio playing most of the time. To sleep, many nights, I have learned to appreciate the Calm app, that Q swears by.

This week, I went back to work on Tuesday. I took a few days off to filter through some thoughts in the prior week. The weather today was beautiful so a few moments outside have been nice. After work most nights this past week I sat and just stared at my Mac screen. I desperately want to write… I have about 90% of my science fiction story mapped. Friday night, I started character building. You know, names, specific attributes that define them and how that impacts the story. Their quirks. Saturday, I ran to Dillon’s and slogged through the isles trying to be hypervigilant to avoid any real contact. I was able to get most things on the list, aside from yeast. People are apparently baking more right now. We also watched a few shows on Netflix and broke out a DVD. Sunday morning we had a Zoom gathering and I am trying to think through things for the week. Are there preparations that I can do? Or that I need to do? I finished the week making breakfast for dinner and (inspired by a blogger that I read) I baked. Cinnamon raised bread. Nom-nom-nom. Well, I am predicting at this point – it is finishing the baking step now. I am imagining taking a slice and dunking it in melted butter. Just like a breadstick from Pizza-Hut.

Now to finish the night. The home stretch. My goal, still, is to start writing the first pages of my book. We…shall…see…

WW. -joe

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america and pretending social distance

I was thinking about the world a bit. How China has people that have re-tested positive for COVID-19. Or perhaps, they were never cured? We don’t know what we don’t know and that, friends, is scary to me. My mind continues to wander all over the place and like a complicated game of lights out, I cannot get them all. Wrapping up this week – and wondering what the next will have in store for us. I do see glimmers of hope in basic humanity. The silver lining, if I can find one. I did not intend to go on a rant, but it looks like my sci-fi story will wait another day. Prepare…bleeeeghhh…

I mention us as spoiled, since I was thinking about what a lockdown is, or could be. I was thinking about how we have declared only essential functions still be performed, and just like the bureaucrats, have missed the mark. I mean, I need my Starbucks. My for-profit sandwich place is still open. I still get to interact with people making it. Handing it to me. And we are kidding ourselves if that is protecting us. While the lack of crowds is a great step, we neglect to think about the young man or young woman working today for that sandwich. They may have a grandma in their home. Or younger brother and sister. We have convinced ourselves that we are doing something, which is better than nothing, and by the way, we really didn’t lose a whole lot of convenience. The contact is still there – and while it may not be exploiting all of the risks – the curve is not going to flatten. A lockdown should be painful. Truly isolating. We have done the equivalent of sending the misbehaving child to his or her room with a video game awaiting. But they are in their room… Checkbox.

I don’t know right now. I have never felt so aimless in my life. Scratch that, I have. But never, like this, without some structure. In the prior case of aimlessness, I chose to avoid the structure. Rebelled maybe? Now, I read countless blogs, posts, tweets, feeds, texts… all experiencing some form of this. The news is bad. Many people are actually trying to quarantine. The news is still bad. Which of my friends or family is at greatest risk? How can I go one step further? What if… what if… what if… It probably did not help that I did my Last Will and Testament. I had not updated since my life circumstances changed. And considering the increased possibilities of things – I wanted to make sure things were taken care of.

Well, I did not intend to post today. Or go dark as I did. I heard the neighbors (a young group of guys) hanging out in their driveway… I remembered seeing another group… I saw the line at Starbucks as I drove from work. (My work is in food manufacturing – so I am still working.) Then I contemplated what would a true lockdown look like. And why do we try to do both? I don’t know. This post is rawer (less polished than some). Sorry about that. I just wanted the words out there; the thoughts worked through.

I am calling this post done today. Feedback always welcome.

I truly do wish you the best. Try to stay safe. WW. joe.

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could the coronavirus be a work-related sickness

Soundtrack: Shift Work, Kenny Chesney (ft. George Strait)

Here is a question. Humor me. I have been witness to crazier things.

If, while at work, an employee gets injured while performing work the employer is responsible most of the time. I mean, there are variables to consider, but even if it was negligence by the employee, the employer is usually labeled at fault. The guarding on the equipment was not sufficient, poor training, improper tools, or something like that… The company could have done something better. Let us say that a team member, on their own time, gets hurt. The employee will likely be away from work and the employer is not in the picture other than for insurance-related questions. Just because Sammy McSliperton fell off the ladder at his house while thinking about working tomorrow the company is the cause. Now, if a team member has a personal injury but continues to work and it is worsened their work or aggravated by work that they do, or we cannot prove that it did not happen while on company time, it will likely be attributed to the employer. (Side note, people do often get injured away from work, do not realize it, and strain the injury while doing work tasks. And yes there are those that take advantage of the situation.) The key is being able to prove that with 100% certainty, the team member’s injury had nothing to do with work. And that can be hard to do.

So… that brings me to today’s perplection. If you are employed at a workplace that is still able to continue doing business, while many businesses are locked down for COVID19 prevention, and contract the virus… what then? If you are locked down outside of work, and continue to work in an “eligible and essential” industry, and contract the virus with some certainty while at work – does this fall into a work responsible litigation? If you die – could someone say it was a death attributed to or by the negligence of your employer? I mean… it’s not that far fetched. And should continuing to work qualify as hazard pay? Do businesses generate a risk for themselves by continuing to press on, despite the situation, due to infrastructure or essential responsibilities? Before you roll your eyes – remember the caution signs on coffee and the lawsuits for people being scalded because taking a drink of scalding hot coffee right from the pot is the thing to do… And there are stories of people getting ill from poor working conditions or placed in danger, somehow. I have also heard of a couple of companies temporarily increasing their wage during this time (for what I deduced as a way of helping). This is also the moment my brain appreciates the healthcare workers, police, firefighters, military, and other roles that we just could not do without right now.

Maybe it is the elephant in your room… I have overheard people jokingly discussing. I have also heard serious discussions… I would love to hear your thoughts on this. I am not saying I agree or support anything here. It is just a thought that I could not answer myself. I found myself thinking no! Then, well, what if? I have gone back and forth throughout the day. Did the company not make any efforts? Did the company force conditions without any regard to what is happening? I have heard stories, and I am sure you have too, about ridiculous situations and the court judged in favor of the plaintiff (not related to this though). Just some thoughts for today. I really cannot escape the news of COVID-19. So it is fresh in my mind…

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therapy, groceries, work and writing

Soundtrack: Everybody Knows, Sigrid.

I was off today as I used PTO that I have accrued. Now seemed just as good of a time as any. Everything is going to be all right. The mantra of the day anyway.

I started the day off with an intake appointment for my new therapist. After trying, a lot, I found someone that seems to fit. And they had an opening, which is always a plus. As I mentioned in a prior post, most of my attempts to make contact fell through. Everyone that I contacted seemed to have a full schedule. With the  COVID19/Coronavirus pandemic going on it moved to an online session. Which, I think, will be more of the normal going forward. The session was what I would consider very normal. As we noted in our discussion, the only missing element is the IRL contact. The body cues or non-verbal communication that we send; it is important, but not a deal-breaker. The meeting was good. A great step in the self-care journey that I am embarking on. However, it did put a little damper on the day. An analogy would be a jar with sediments or things that settled, becoming stirred up and whirl around in the jar. But that is why I am meeting someone: a filter. Baby steps – right?

With Douglas Country being locked down starting tomorrow, I decided to venture out today. Groceries are still considered essential, but I decided that with the numbers indicating it will get worse, before better, that stocking up now would be better than later. Maybe it was just an excuse to get out. I mean, I did follow all of the social distancing protocols and sanitized everything before and after. I also made sure to not make contact with anyone. It was a needed trip; no lolly-gagging here. And man it was tiring. Being hyper-alert took a toll on me that I did not see coming. Jokingly, it felt a bit primitive as well. I mean it wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination, but it felt more like that today. I had to bundle up, venture out into the world, avoid contact with bad things and search for the things to make food. No skinning squirrels yet, but I am not opposed if we get there.

I head back to work tomorrow. I work in food manufacturing and that is deemed essential. It is good that the work still exists for people for several reasons. It does bring some fear and uncertainty for me though. I will have to remain diligent in my role to be functional yet, distant. I did propose that I can do a lot of my work remotely. With a laptop, I do have about 1 week’s worth of work, before I have to get creative or find something to work on. So, as you can imagine, I was disappointed when working from home was rejected. The information that was sent was “that physical presence is needed.” While I get that, it did feel like a smack in the face. And I know that it is not just me experiencing this situation. I have talked to IM’d several people who are going through similar things. There is a duty-bound side of me that feels I need to be there. There is also a self-preservation side of me that wonders if this is what is best for all of the people in my life. Respectfully, we do not make protein, or basic needs foods, so I am internally struggling. Rationalizing – either way – only goes so far. I will go into work, maintain distances, and do my best. I am not that way. #RealWorldStruggles

I started this post to get the creative juices flowing: preparing to write. The mass amount of queries that I have sent out are still out there. I have only received feedback from about 9% of them (mainly expected rejections). The project is still considered active but idle for me right now, as I mentioned previously. I have been working on my outline for an alternative living sci-fi piece. I have about 20 chapters outlined and a general idea of what is happening in the story. I am now closing gaps from main struggles to resolution, layering in foreshadowing and puzzles for the reader to be engaged with. I am mostly a pantser but have plotted a bit more this time. I guess that is called a plantser, LOL. I wanted to add lots of layers and not rework the story more than needed as I think of things that I want to add. I am enjoying writing again. I am enjoying working on and improving my craft while not feeling stagnant.

I hope your week has started with some stability. With foundational structures we took for granted in life being challenged can feel very unsettling. Perfect time for the therapy appointment I suppose. Keep educated, distant, and alert to what is going on. I have seen or heard great things (that make us human), despite the negative that will always exist. It gives me hope. Everything… eventually… will be all right.

WW. joe

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a life forever changed?

Today, my partner had a virtual breakfast or coffee date with her family. We chose to use Zoom, over other options, and it worked out well. We did consider other platforms, but when it came down to meeting time we just went with the one we thought best. Maybe that is right, maybe that is wrong. The event was really nice to connect get some of the much-needed contact (we are social creatures). Regardless, a question was brought up, or a thought, rather… How will this COVID-19 aka the “Coronavirus,” impact us long beyond the fallout of the illnesses?

The first thought that came to mind when the question was posed related to the call we were making: the meeting. Many jobs require tasks to be performed by someone at a specific location. Or perhaps, several someones. However, there were a lot of roles that we were playing which were just because that is what the company wanted: the false need to have someone in a cubicle down the row. The lack of tech adaptiveness for roles by not looking into new or creative ways to get the same tasks done. Or perhaps the thought that it wouldn’t work – or that it was cost-prohibitive. There are a lot of roles that do work remotely. Even more, that flex between the option of virtual and physically present. Now, with the COVID-19 social distancing, shelter in place and other prevention strategies people are actually doing it. A lot more people are working remotely for 100% of their role. I imagine when this settles… we will have a lot more adapted and virtual workstations in the workplace. And the benefits will be for the employer and the employee.

We have also been exposed, ewww bad choice of words, to pay attention to our contact. We are watching our personal spaces now more-so than ever, I would argue. We also are paying more attention to hygiene, cleanliness and how all of those things play into contact. Some of these things are behaviors that we should have had a long time ago. We should have been washing our hands when we use the restroom. We should be wearing latex gloves when handling items that others will put in or near their mouths. While I do not think we were that far off, I have noticed more people washing their hands for a full 20 seconds with warm water. I have watched more people being aware of their habits (brushing their hair, how they cough, touching their faces…etc.). Those are positive things that we should learn from (and many, been doing all along).

I wonder when we are past this – what will be the cultural normal? When you get around to it – what do you think? Do you agree/disagree? What other changes will this make in our society longterm? I would love to entertain this thought more…

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siri sense of humor

In light of all the news out there – this made me smile. Maybe it will make you smile as well. Share with someone that needs a smile and reply with your favorite AI humor…

During a webcast this morning, I heard about this. This is a screenshot from my phone. Ask Siri what 0 divided by 0 is.

Where does Cookie Monster come in? And thanks for pointing out that I have no friends.

What other things can you think of that Alexa, Siri, Cortana or Google can/will do? The more creative you are… the better.

warm wishes. joe.

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are you a gamer

Image from here.

Hello, I am in the process of conducting research. Having been an MMO-gamer for many years, I am fascinated with the idea of living alternative lives via games. I have spent a lot of time and money investing in my toons. And I loved every minute of it.

I am interested in the opinions of others. Please take a moment, and complete as many questions as you have time for. Every question helps. If you DO complete the survey and have a toon name, I will give you the option of recognition if I publish the material. I am unsure as to what media will be best at this point. That is optional, of course, and you are donating the info voluntarily. I promise to not stalk your toon. But if you played the game I do, we could do some dungeons or what-not!

Please visit the Google Doc/Form here: https://forms.gle/uLL9dhXBBYhfm2VA7

Thank you,
Toon: Chicken Cordon.
Game: Guild Wars ( 1, 2 )
a.k.a. Joe Pederson

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social distancing – confined spaced and my week

The funny thing about social distancing is that it also has the exact opposite impacts. The inverse of staying away is being captive together. There is a funny post that is making its way around that explores what the weekend travel plans are… Comedically, the travel plan is a picture of the house footprint; we are cooped up with one another. And while we are trying hard to keep safe (whatever that really means) distances from the general public, we are also tethered to those we live with. Personal space challenges can be a real struggle. The normal day-to-day lives become somewhat pressurized which can lead to irritation, sensitivity, overwhelmed feelings and other big feelings.

Originally from Hope For Pastor’s Wives

So while there are still lots of things we are uncertain about, considering California and New York are now locked down as of yesterday and today, we have to find ways to stay sane. Lots of questions come to mind ranging from “Will [insert your state] lockdown too? What does that mean? Work? What about essentials? How long?”, just to name a few. I am ultimately not worried in the sense that I feel we will fall into anarchy, starve, fall into some dystopian society, or the like. The anxiety that is forming stems from lots of moving parts of uncertainty. The foundational things that we have taken for granted are being pulled up, reviewed, and, in some cases, altered. If you are like me – you build from a structure. My ability to “fly by the seat of my pants” only comes from knowing there are sound foundations at the core.

My week has been weird, in general. I have some things that I am working through and have been working from home over the past week. Finding ways to adapt to the continual moving parts so that I can perform self-care and my professional responsibilities. I think many are doing the same. Each day – something new happens and we react. Schools closed for several weeks… ok adapt… No, schools closed for the balance of the school year…ok adapt… So, back to the foundation convo, it’s like I get knocked down and before I can stand again, another sucker-punch lands square in my kisser. But, we will adapt. That is one of the strengths of humankind. And we are coming together in ways, that I knew we could. We are finding ways to get those social interactions that we do need, being social creatures. (Yes even you introverts [myself included], need some form of public existence.)

For me, this week, I have worked from home. I have taken a couple of days off of work in the middle of this as well. Not so much R&R, referenced in a prior post, but make sure my feet can be flat on a surface before walking again. I have also completed my non-fiction book proposal and submitted it for consideration to over 100 literary agents. A time-consuming task, but it is the process. (Now I get to wait for 4-12 weeks for the rejections to come in. I am not being negative – there is a very high rejection rate.) I have found ways to let my mind wander. Blogging. Researching. I have also started the process to simultaneously write my sci-fi fiction and non-fiction gaming materials. I have decided that being an author is very important to me and I have found joy in this process, especially over the last couple of weeks.

What are you doing to keep your mind moving? To prevent stagnation? How are you coping with people being in your space while confined and being socially distant at the same time? We have to find a spark in us. Especially now. Whatever that spark is, that hope, that joy… explore it. With the uncertainty that will continue to rest on our shoulders, the responsibilities we are picking up to carry human-kind, with the protection of our loved ones… how are you caring for yourself? Find some magic. Tell me about it.

warm wishes. joe.

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wandering with sanitizer

Businessman finding the solution of a maze

The past couple of weeks have been… well, just plain weird. From the odd human behaviors that are happening to psychosomatic tendencies within myself, I am just tired. Is that a fever? Do I have a cold? I didn’t wash my hands – did I? Uber alertness is frankly… exhausting. And there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Right now, we still have the light to our back as we prepare and enter this long corridor and the other side is not even in the cards yet. Those thoughts, alone, bring emotions by themselves.

I had some personal things happen last week and took a couple of days off of work. Usually, I would take the opportunity to get some R&R and bounce back. Step into the fight a’swingin’. Not so much this time. The wind is out of the sails. Kindling for the fire is all used up. My chickens seem hatched and – who was counting? Analogies galore – bottom line, its much greater this time. When I look around… when I read from the streams of information… it would seem as if we were doomsday hoarding and prepping. The super virus is kicking everyone’s ass in some form or another.

Talking to my partner, we were trying to sort out the thoughts. The tangled logic and emotion forming some rats’ nests. You know, the fishing twine style that seems better off cutting and rethreading vs. patiently pulling apart. She mentioned something today and it has sort of stuck with me. Grieving. When we think about what we are navigating it seems to bear some semblance to grief. The freedoms that have been challenged by social distancing or systems shutting down (school etc.). The mundane and predictable life that we secretly need and/or desire stripped down to nothing. Barebones. Nothing. Contact with people we know and care for… halted. Our everyday routines that make up “normal”… disrupted. And it just keeps unraveling, so would seem. It is how it feels anyway.

Some people are able to find ways. I have heard of virtual coffee dates. More and more companies are exploring remote situations. Which of, and in itself, is awesome. More and more adults being able to be with their kids vs. a cubicle in a tower in a city way downtown. But it is only great when it is an option – not the only option. If we try to see – some good things are happening. The cats are kind of herding in the same direction. Crude prices make driving in the car seem more feasible. But then where do we go? It is defeating to not have a destination. It is defeating to not be able to have one.

I am not against anything that is going on here. Don’t read into the article as a slight or message that we are doing it wrong… We may be doing things late… but I think we generally have the best of intentions to do “it” right. This article isn’t designed to have an arc or climactic point. It was me – processing – in black and white. Figuring this out with you. Figuring it out together.

I think I need to go wash my hands again and inventory my TP. What does everyone else think or feel? What sanity have you been able to sane from this? We will make it, I just know it, but it’s not clear yet. Sprinkle me with some thoughts.

Warm wishes. joe.

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CoronaVirus COVID19 – i dont know what to believe

The Science of Worrying

For reasons other than being sick with a flu-like predator, I stayed home today. Maybe I am not feeling well from a cold, or perhaps, it is a stress that has worn me down. There are a lot of personal moving parts that I have learned to listen to. Self-care. Sorting it out, or attempting to. I keep coming back to other agents of attack outside of some bacteria or virus string. But when I open my browser or social media or phone headlines I am inundated with things that conflict, veer left of right or just seem to be noise in the system. I don’t know what is real and what is not. So while I pause for a moment from writing a book, I am going to try and think through some of this.

Everywhere I have turned, things are closing. The stock market is melting down, crude is at a low, stores are low on supplies as the world turns to doomsday hoarding (those people that are crazy – until they aren’t – so it would seem). Memes are shifting from the funny anecdotal virus jokes to serious fact spreading attempts. While scrolling through my Facebook Newsfeed, a Doctor that I have respected for some time, was in a video that caught my eye.

So I stopped what I was doing and watched. Really watched. After watching, I looked at my newsfeed and thought of the same content inundating me under a different lens. Facts seem to be missing in a lot of the places and the fuel seems to be more of a hype than data-centric news tidbits.

Should everyone stay at home? Should we shut down everything? Why is this one subject getting the attention that other health concerns did not (do not)? And then, of course, there are the other real-world problems that won’t make the side column in a news publication. Having just listened to Malcolm Gladwell’s Tipping Point, what was the trigger that made this particular event “tip” into a crisis that is changing how we do things. Well, as compared to other things that have happened, are still happening, or will happen and not even see a headline…

Since this is my blog, my voice, I will add the mix: because I can. We need to listen to credible sources of news. Listen to the professionals that are experts in the fields of study that we are concerned with. Fact check. You will not be able to escape the media, the click-bait, and other sources, and will need to develop a discipline to say “I hear you…” but follow that with “let me see what the facts say.” Yes, the virus is an issue. A real issue. People are dying and the virus is doing what it evolved to do: spread. In the context of life, what does that mean? Follow good hygiene practices, avoid social interactions, and listen to your gut. Panic is ok when it is a concern that contains a call to action. When it is aimless hysteria with no action it does not provide value. It only stirs the sediments in a barrel-making cloudy murky content unsearchable. We cannot just do nothing. Acting is an appropriate response. But what is the goal of the action? Filter the content as credible facts from subject matter experts, or opinion pieces and advertising from companies taking advantage of the airtime. Does the content have suggestions or is it exploiting reactions to things by sharing headlines that only evoke feelings?

I am not an expert. I will be listening for actionable advice from the people that know what we should be doing. I will do my part to ensure that I do not put anyone else at risk, as best I can. I urge you to pause, reflect, and come together as a world that is looking out for ourselves and then other’s well being.

Have a good weekend. As always – warm wishes.

joe

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fairview mo and curious police behaviors

The red and blue flashed in the rearview mirror as I pulled over, killing the manual transmission, while anxiety took over.

We drove back from Eureka Springs, AR this morning. A small four-day getaway, Q planned, to make adventures and checkout of the M-F shenanigans. The trip down went smoothly. Other than uncomfortable sitting arrangements from hours of driving, nothing major happened. There were lots of tiny towns and winding roads out there in the middle of nowhere. On the way back, however, things got a little bit more lively. I got to experience the law enforcement of Fairview, MO. Later, after making it home, I would research the city – and it sounds like a few things may be off there (all the way up the ladder).

Fairview, MO. In the 2010 census, 383 people were registered living there. It was one of the places we went through on the way back to Lawrence, KS. At about 11:30 AM, on this chilly overcast spring day, while passing through the Franklin Township, red and blue lights flashed behind us. A white pickup truck, with local law enforcement branding on the side, pulled us over in Q’s 2005 Pontiac Vibe. A slender man, with a stocking cap and a badge hanging on his chest, like what you would see on a TV detective, got out. He was wearing the cool mirror single piece glasses and approached along the side of the car. Having already grabbed my license and insurance, I was ready. I stayed still until he approached so he could see my movements. He asked if I knew why he pulled me over. I honestly had no idea. I had the cruise control set to the speed limit. Nothing else seemed amiss at that moment…

Mind you, it was daylight, we were pulled over for a “passenger headlight” being out. Realizing over our trip – it didn’t come to mind when he asked his question, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I told him that we were recently aware and the part was ordered. In actuality, it was the driver’s side. This, of course, annoyed me. The light was noticed Monday and ordered from Amazon on Monday, for a Tuesday (today) delivery. And it was full-on daylight. If I had them off – it would not have mattered. But, he was right, it was out, which is not legal. What I cannot get over though, is Officer Scofield’s (spelling?) weird mannerisms. He treated us with the highest amount of suspicion. Two adults, with two kids in the back, with obvious packings of a trip of sorts. Also, he would not look at me in the eyes, or if he was, his head was left or right and eyes sideways. It was like Stevie Wonder was having a conversation with me. He was peering inside of the car as if we had drugs inside or he was looking for some other probable cause. The most dangerous things in the car at this time were the toys that would absolutely assault bare feet. The bodies and kilos were not in this car for this trip.

We sat while he ran the plates, my license, and he scoped out whatever he was looking for. He kept looking up and down the street as if to see if we had an entourage. When he was done running the legal checks, he came back and gave us a verbal warning. No documents issued and he did not have any normal pleasantries that officers typically do. He continued to not look at me but finally did look at me with extreme caution when I extended my hand to shake his (which is what I have always done when pulled over). While I was very angry inside for the logic of pulling me over during the day for headlights, his treatment of us, and lack of courtesy, he did have the legal right to. However, I would not say that the Fairview Police Department is on my Christmas list or Thanksgiving Thank You card list…

Looking back, hours later, I am not upset about the logic of a headlight being of concern during prime daylight. While I will respectfully disagree… it was out. That is not legal. I just wish that I understood what he was looking for, or expected to find. Was I fitting a suspect profile or did I look extraordinarily suspicious – and if so what was triggering it? It wasn’t as if he followed us and my driving was the cause. He was off to the side of the road when he pulled onto the road and immediately turned his lights on. The bottom line – is that I am unhappy with the treatment without what I feel was real probable cause. I will be over it by tomorrow. Just slightly annoyed and curious. It is not going to ruin the trip or my day.

As always – warm wishes – joe

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digg'n up bones.

Soundtrack: Randy Travis, Diggin Up Bones

Grandma would be smiling right now.

The last several weeks have been intense for me. And, life as it is, must continue on. Methodically, I follow through my normal routines. I beat my alarm clock. I hit snooze and groaned. The sun is still resting when I wake, which is changing as the spring nears and soon he’ll greet me. I uncovered myself from Kazho or Sox. They like to take turns laying on my chest, my legs or beside me. As if they know when I need to be held, just when the need is greatest. I often wake to find them there. A purr and meow, then they brush against my legs as if to lure me to their food dishes. They have trained me well, and I obey. I hobble to the kitchen trying to shake the sleep off my body then I pour my morning coffee. Black and bitter. Good morning.

My grandma and grandpa had a cassette player in their little 1987 tan Toyota pickup. As with almost every small truck that I remember as a kid, the rust was excessive around the wheel wells. The truck, comfortably made for two people, also had a me-sized seat straddling the stick shift. It was also right in front of the magical music box. This thing that you fed square blocks into and you got to tell it what to play. And even if you didn’t give it the blocks, it would occasionally play something anyway. Lots more people talking, but sometimes… They loved country music, and I liked what they liked. I mean grandpa loved “Dolly.” He loved Dolly Parton so much, that he joked with anyone that would listen, about how she was his girlfriend. Side story… It was a running joke until the end, and even then, I placed the picture of Dolly that he had on his wall inside his coffin. So CMT was always playing and some country station was always in the background. There were not many other types of music that I remember from that part of life. Certain songs stuck with me, and I remember getting so excited when they would come on. One song that still plays in my mind, 30 years later, used to play in that little truck. The sound of his voice, deep, manly, strong… Randy Travis… Specifically the song, Diggin Up Bones.

The song always comes to mind when I am digging in my emotional closet; when I am unearthing things buried or when I am exploring the caves that I have long since vacated (and only visit when I am shamed and tuck something away. I try not to do that… but it happens. Some people call that survival.) My point is that it is a triggered memory that has played mentally for me a couple of times this week. I had to go into the caverns. I took a flashlight and hesitantly walked the corridor. My hands traced the walls and I left crumbs as I ventured in… but there was no hope in sight. I got stuck. At the point that I drafted the skeleton for this post, I was deep within a funk. A hopeless sort of funk. A purposeless stagnant sense that was stuck in neutral. I would rolled to and fro with the rest of the normal that I encountered, but the fog did not waver for a couple of days.

I did make it to the other side. I was in more of a funk than I have been in some time. Taxes, financial worries, obligations, and normal daily activities. The straws and the camel seemed to meet up. It took some quiet time, a few songs, and feedback from Q to really see straight again. Sometimes, I think we have to go through it. We have to endure. I have heard a lot of people mention that making it to the other side toughens a person up. Like resilience to a cold maybe? I am hoping that maintains true for me as well. I will say that over the years I have become more adept at navigating the rapids. Sometimes leaning into the current. Other times, using an oar to push you away from the rocks. And if I am being honest, like Q, there are times when the life preserver is the best tool in our toolbox.

I guess the summary goes something like this. We have deep and dark places where we hide unpleasant things. We stack things on top or sweep them under, and avoid the hallways to that place. But we have to walk down that way from time to time, and if you are like me, blocking time off to dedicate for this process is extremely useful. Shining light and moving pile by pile helps me manage the darkness that prowls. And while it is a very lengthy process, it is manageable. I think that we each need to have an inventory of what is down there. An awareness that can be parsed out little by little as you are ready and able. There is no right way to deal with the dark place. And no one is going to fix it for you, or shine the light and make it disappear. But just like a scary movie, it is nice to have someone that will hold your hand. The support that you can crash into. A no-judgment zone. And I am blessed to have that.

The week pressed on. Life pressed on. I was still able to perform my normal routines and attempted to perform all of my normal responsibilities. Then, with a lot of digging, I found the bottom. I saw what I needed to see. I found the rope that I needed to find and then pulled myself out, as the voice on the other side (maybe reason?) led me out. We will all need to go through things. We cannot escape that, or at least I have not found that way. So, while there, take a look around. Make some notes and find your lessons. Looking back later, we can say, “been there, done that.” And use it as a map when it happens again.

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the solution for mental health: pray more

Video: Mental Health Care

I have diagnosed depression. I am also an (recovering) alcoholic. Both are considered either a disease or disorder. Both are real health problems but add the word metal and neither can get you an appointment to be helped right away. This week, I saw a video of Elizabeth Warren, supporting action on mental health which brought memories back to life for me. I remembered a time when I was looking for help and it was not available. I was put on a waiting list to be seen as soon as the next appointment was available, which was 3 months away. No one in my life at the time considered it a health issue and I just needed to stop (referring to the drinking). In one instance, the advice that I was given was that I needed to pray more. They had never experienced anything that I am dealing with or have dealt with.

Mankind does not readily believe things that are not tangible by them. People are less likely to believe something that they have not directly experienced themselves. I won’t deny that I have fell for this as well. Until the fall and winter of 2018, I did not believe hallucinations were a real thing. I believed that they did happen to people but I felt that if they would just pay attention, they would be able to tell. Or in extreme cases, the hallucinations happened to people who had permanently lost control of their mind. Now, my mind holds memories from a period of time in 2018 which I cannot say with certainty are real. The hallucinations I experienced were not like I had imagined, something from an LSD trip (well the marketed examples, as I have never had that experience). My blurred memories are of real people, with real conversations, and interwoven with current events. The point is, my ignorance did not make things true (just because I believed it didn’t make it true). It was an awakening for me. I realized that people need to be open to things and escape our egocentric views.

When I was looking for help, when I knew that I needed something, now, I had a 3 month wait to be seen. The only immediate treatment that I received during that time was emergency based, like a trip to the ER. My access to help was also limited by insurance. It is no secret that healthcare is expensive. I do know and have experienced the costs of healthcare and treatment being prohibitive. The medications that I used to prevent drinking were $30 per pill without insurance and $15 per pill with. If I need to see a doctor for a cut, I can name several places that I could go right now. If I need mental help, I am not aware what is available to me. Where do I start? Of course, I have done some of that research now, and have identified those resources for me. But it was a research process. The publicity around one vs. the other is very different. Clear down to a friend’s referral. Also mental health practitioners are not widely considered “primary care providers” so getting in takes time.

There is still a stigma with talking about it. Oh the stigma; raised eyebrows, and condescending concern. The nonverbal responses that come across as dismissive. Depending on the church and belief system, the conclusions range from demons to a person’s prayer life, which can lead to a prayer intervention or exorcism in rare extreme cases. When we talked about alcoholism, “supporters” reminded me that I just needed to stop. As if the issue could be resolved by simply quitting. Turn it off like a light switch. And I did not realize how desperate the need for help I had was and how ignorant “we” were on the topics, until I felt beyond help.

I am not going to bombard you with statistics. If you want to research more on the subject, by all means, go ahead. I would encourage it. I would encourage you to form your own opinion based on what you find out. What I share here, while true, are only my experiences. And in closing, I want to share a couple resources that you can use if you are not sure where to turn. Everyone has the right to receive help. Not help that only covers 3 appointments; not help that gives you a pill and takes your money; not help that just leaves it God. We don’t accept that for other health problems – why is it ok for this? Below is a small list that I am aware of. And by damn, if you just need to talk to someone – contact me. No one should be alone when dealing with this. While I don’t have all the solutions – we can figure this out.

*** One side note, while this remains unpublished, I have been doing more research for a therapist in my area. I have sent out around 10 queries to different practices. On Psychology Today, there are only about 10-11 people that meet the criteria that I am looking for, that also take my insurance. Of the 10 that I emailed, trying to start a patient relationship, 7 have replied that they are full and have no clue when they will have an opening. And there each response sends a “good luck” sort of pep ending. So the resources, that are available – are not open at this time. I didn’t even think about that when originally crafting this post. ***

Teen Challenge – This is a program that can be helpful. It is a work camp essentially. You are provided for in the form of shelter, food, and group support. It is open to all addiction types and adults or teens alike. The program is heavy in biblical study, but is at no cost to you. If you can donate financially, that is a plus, but you will work for the program during your stay. If you have faith – or want to have faith – this may be a viable option. I spent 45 days in this program in Milwaukee, WI.

ACE’s – Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) have a tremendous impact on future violence victimization and perpetration, and lifelong health and opportunity. Working together, we can help create neighborhoods, communities, and a world in which every child can thrive.

Psychology Today, Find A Therapist – This resource allows you to find a therapist near you with experience in whatever type of affliction you are dealing with. Each listing has a bio – and majority of the contacts have a free initial consult so that you can ensure you are a match (style, topic, etc.).

Celebrate Recovery – This is a faith friendly program (which I have been a part of) that deals with hurts, habits, and hang-ups. “Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered, 12 step recovery program for anyone struggling with hurt, pain or addiction of any kind. Celebrate Recovery is a safe place to find community and freedom from the issues that are controlling our life.”

Warm wishes. joe.

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jump: a personal pivot

Image from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/284378

Soundtrack: Eminem: Lose Yourself.

The idea for this post is from a real-life and real-time reflection from me. I am listening to the book When to Jump: If the Job You Have Isn’t the Life You Want. This book is mostly testimonial driven, showcasing people that have changed their paths. Their lives… People that have led one life, often what is expected or the obvious, then listen to their inner voice and then pivot. The people in this book drew a line in the sand and proclaimed to follow their dreams. The ample amount of testimonies range from business entrepreneurs to sailing the oceans. There is no one right answer as to what your pivot should look like. The only requirement is that you have thought, about something different than you’re doing, and make a plan to chase after…

I have a voice. A voice that has whispered something else. The details were unclear for some time, but that hasn’t stopped the voice.. “You should be doing something else.” But that is not really actionable. At first, there were no guide-rails to what that meant. I am here and should be there? I am doing this and should do that? The thoughts continued but clarity was nowhere to be found. I just knew there was something. Something that I wanted to be doing, that I needed to be doing, that was not being met in my normal life. From the variety of career positions that I have tried, to hobbies that I have dabbled with, to research ideas… nothing was standing out. Sure, I had some thoughts, but nothing stood out more than the others. The themes were: I am not happy now. I want to create. I want to share something with the world. My job isn’t fulfilling the need. However, I felt like saying I wanted to share with the world – was implying that I had to be an expert at something. And my self-talk was not playing nice when I mustered up any confidence.

Let’s go back a ways. In high school, I was not sure what I wanted to be when I grew up. Being a lost teen, I fantasized about being a rockstar. I dreamed about being an entrepreneur and I would come up with some “next big thing.” Then, my high school teacher in 9th-grade English opened a door for me. I learned about poetry and also the power of words. So, as a teen with angst and guitar hero ambitions, I started to write. A lot. Mostly song lyrics and small entries of thoughts. In 12th grade, I had a teacher that was sending a movie script to Hollywood. Playing off of his excitement, I asked to do a movie script for an assigned writing project. He agreed, and the result was a 100+ pg. full-length movie script (with industry-standard formatting, which is ridiculously precise by the way). Several letters to literary agents later, and several rejections later, I lost confidence and moved on. Back to the obvious and expected…

When it was time to go to college, I applied and started a business degree. I needed to get the good job… Lost, I joined the NAVY for a small stent, dropped out of college and moved on. When the NAVY did not work, I moved back to my hometown and got a regular job. A sales job. It was also my introduction to pressure sales… which I now detest. I lived a party life for a while and then adulthood kicked in. I was married and headed back to college. I applied and was accepted into the broadcast journalism field. Later, convinced again, that it was not marketable, I switched back to business. I majored in computer studies inside of the business world. As it were, life continued, and eventually needing insurance, I went to school online and started working in manufacturing where for the next 15 years I would be groomed into a continuous improvement manager or internal consultant.

This brings me to now and to the book Jump, to be exact. Listening to that has stirred passions inside of me. I have realized how much I enjoy writing. Some of my best nights involved drafting a blog post. Sharing my opinions or stories for others to read and put what is rattling around inside of my head into text. And this week it hit me. I am a writer. I love to write. With the momentum of my current read in my mind, I have decided to do something about it. And this post is my proclamation. I am going to write. Not journaling (or just journaling). I have several pieces inside of my mind: six story outlines to be precise. Two of which, are in a completed rough draft form; the original sci-fi screenplay from high school and a business non-fiction book aimed at helping small businesses. This week, I started the submissions process.

As of writing this post, it is well underway. To put a NF book out there, it usually requires a book proposal as well as a query letter. The exact wants/needs for submission depending on the agency. Each submission needs to be personalized to the agency – and I need to have a solid hook or line that catches the reader’s attention. Something to set me apart from all of the other entries. I have the book proposal started; it’s only waiting on the first section of the book, which is usually a chapter or first ten pages. Today, I finished about 14 pages of material. I have the query letter started. I also have researched several publishers and literary agents that look for the genre that I am submitting to or have published a book that I like which may be similar. I am really excited… I am doing it…

While I am not where most of the people in the Jump book are. I am not on the other side, with completed dreams, summarizing how I did it. I am telling you that I am doing it. I am ready and confident to start the process and want to hold myself accountable to finish this process. I want to share my journey with you. And even more than that, I want you to pause for a moment and think about your Jump. Your pivot. What is it that sparks a fire in your soul? What words affirm that little voice inside of you? What are you doing about it? Squandering it is like taking a piece of yourself and locking it away. It is time. Let’s jump. Let’s pivot. Here is to you *tips tea.*

As always, warm wishes. -joe

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