grief zones

Soundtrack: House MD Soundtrack

Audience: Personal, Office and Professional

In my line of work, I deal with a lot of people. Either teams of people have reported to me, or as a form of consulting, I am around them. There are just over 400 people in the facility that I work at. The prior place of employment had around 8,000 and before that 800. When there are so many people in the workplace there tends to be a lot of stories. A lot of events that happen. Since all of us are living life as human beings, we get to experience all of that, together. With this, comes a lot of weddings. Births. Deaths. The book that I am listening to also talked about life and death. The comment raised in the book discussed “grief zones.” Grief is also different for everyone.

When someone in your family dies, many companies will offer you bereavement pay/days. These are days that you can use to prepare for the funeral, attend the funeral and mourn. Often, the number is three days, for an immediate family member. Distant family usually allows for one day. Of course, there are variations of these, but what I have experienced (and confirmed with some quick research) is one to three days. Other options may include taking a leave of absence, sick time, personal time or vacation. It really varies by company and what type of “time off” is offered by them. It is also my experience that people cannot live long without income, which limits the options. All of this is a benefit offered and is well-intended. What is not, is how it is perceived in our modern society.

We have entered into a compartmental period of time. You get “X” time to grieve, despite the internal needs that you may have. Then we are to resume where we left off. Three days… and then back to the workplace or life as we knew it. We are to get back into our social groups and tend to all of our things. No need to talk about it, everyone wants to move on. It is as if we have already been saturated with love and sympathy. Like empathy has run out and there is no more to give. Sitting on my pedestal, no really I am on a pedestal. Sitting. I think there are people and situations where more is offered. I am not saying every single place is heatless. I am saying that we are in a checkbox world where it does not bode well to linger.

And then there is the sympathy vs. empathy. Or well-intended but hurtful considerations that often occur. You see, I lost several people over the course of 4 years. Probably lent to the year turnaround. In 2014 it was Grandma. 2015, a stillborn. 2016, another stillborn and 2017 Grandpa. When Grandma and Grandpa passed the world seemed like an empty place to me. I did not stop to feel when Grandma passed. I helped with all of the arrangements then went back to work. I took the (3) days bereavement then added a couple of vacation days. There was a lot to do. I was so busy that I never really processed everything. I had to make arrangements, create the memorial video (see it here), and be there for Grandpa, now alone… Then it was time to get back to work and life pressed on. It wasn’t until months later that I broke down. Fell apart to scattered pieces. The world was past it though. It was past the due date and made way for new things. Aside from posts of missing her, hearted-liked-sad-emoticons on FB posts. The same for Grandpa. The receptivity was usually comforting but along the lines of “they were old” or “they led a full life” or “they did have health problems…” Yes. I know this. Yet grieving was delayed for me – and when I was ready, there was no time.

The worst time was after the loss of my two sons. One year apart. They were both second-trimester. Both, from medical complications, after six perfect and beautiful children. The comments from those were so varied and so painful.

• At least you have six children, some people cannot have kids
• Oh, it was just a miscarriage… I have lost several at 2 weeks.
• You can just try again.
• They weren’t viable yet, it was a fetus. Not like you went full term.

Yes. People said those things. When we held a funeral for each of them, we had more odd reactions than sympathy or support. Like we were putting a stage with props for no real apparent reason. We were not really expected to mourn as we did. We did not earn some form of “grief zone” in some people’s eyes. People simply did not want to or could not relate.

The thing is that grief has 5 notable stages (7 depending on the site): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. While there are studies for median times of grief, we have to realize that people are different. Environment, personality, resilience level, support structures, and other medical conditions may apply. Each of these in itself has impacts but when combined with something else such as a death it then compounds things. Listen, what I am proposing is not a new motion. It is simply taking a moment to think about people. People. Respect that each of us may be going through something and we all deal with things differently. We each have different triggers and those triggers need to be dealt with. We need to be able to feel happy or sad or angry or confused… Unfortunately, by doing good for the many, we have to accept that there are the few which will take advantage of “the system.” Show compassion and invest in people. Allow them weeks, or months, to work through things. Stop offering anecdotes that try to force someone past where they are and meet them there. Meet them.

I am not an expert. There are so many people more qualified. Yet, when someone is down and needs to vent, qualifications aren’t as important. Ask them how they are and listen… It’s not a time for solutioning. Where they are is irrelevant, but feel out the situation. Maybe they do need to know about more resources. Maybe not and they are aware. It likely isn’t the time to bombard them with info. I often just need to speak. To be heard. Piece the thoughts and fragments together out loud. And in an effort to not go crazy have an affirmation by someone else. “Yes. You are heard. You matter.” There is therapy is speaking. Empathy and sympathy are very value added – and knowing the difference is of great importance. (See this video by Brene Brown.) Be understanding if they need 5 days. 10 days. Meet them where they are.

Time is a healer of so many things. Fixer of so many that are broken. Get healing over time and growing, even if ever-so-slowly. We can grieve past the hospital or past the funeral home. It may be quick or linger. We may need help from others. Friends to listen or maybe we need a professional to step in. But it isn’t something that we can timebox. Use sympathy, empathy, encouragement, and support. Every person is different and we need to meet them where they are.

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