There are a whole string of posts that have been categorized in my mind with a specific timeframe. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life, also fits in a time period for me. It’s really one key piece in my self-development. My recent year turn around post contained the lessons from this book. While the book will not be for everyone, I think the concepts should be. Hard lessons that we tend to accept one way or another. We do not do well in gray matters. We pick sides often to our detriment.
What do I mean by sides? Life is full of choices. Questions that people ask or are asked. Will you… can you… I need you to… And if you are anything like me, I say yes way too often, no not enough, and seldom weigh the impacts before I make my decision: yes. I am a guilty people pleaser. Service is most of my love language and also my style of leadership. I want to remove obstacles and get things done for people or at least help them to find the way. Make things better for them, which has a cost. To me. Often hating myself for taking on another thing, because I want to do something for someone. The expense is usually time and sacrifice. Yet, until this past year, I did not balance my yes’s and no’s. While Simon Sinek may say Leaders Eat Last, I would take that literally, and often forget to. (The book is so much more than that exact rundown… you should read it if it is of interest.)
Take a moment and make a list. Perhaps, you have one in front of you or on your phone already. If so, open it. If not, draft one. List the things that you have to do. Beside each of them make a small note. Which ones are for something for you? Which ones are something that you need or want that fills a gap in you? Put an “M” (me) and “O” (other) next to the items. Maybe you are well balanced and will find that you share time between “self” and others. My list would have been mostly “O’s”.
This book is very Christian. That may throw some of the potential readers off (while attracting others). While I am a Christian, I had to stop the book once when I was tired of hearing the Christian undertones. Hey, I am being honest. I assumed partway into the material that this was another shallow book where God is the answer and we do not need to put any work in – just wait on God. And while I believe that God is so many things – I do not believe that we can sit idle and not take responsibility as stewards on this planet. So I sat the book down and moved on. Then somewhere along the way, I decided to reframe the presentation of the material. Listen to what the book could mean, to me. So I did. I loaded it into my phone from Audible and pressed on. Listening to the value.
A couple of the stories in the book remain with me. The easiest one to share happens to be parents with an “out of control” son. They go to the therapist to find help or a solution. They have given the young irresponsible child money, time, things… He was continually bailed out and yet maintained a path of self-destruction/ungratefulness. When they arrived at the author’s office for help, they were exasperated with heavy tolls on each of them. Their marriage carried some of the weight. The author listened to the couple as therapists do. “Uh-huh…yes… uh-huh…” Then it had come time to dispense the powerful wisdom. The payment for the story. The solution. To the shock of the couple, the author told them that they had the problem. Not this child. Not the person who had leeched so many things with disregard. They were appalled.
The point was simple. They enabled the situation. While they felt as if it was an investment, they were simply watering the weeds. They needed to pick the weeds to get the garden. Sometimes we have let the cart go off the road to get where we need to go. It is possible to be supportive and not enabling. The child needed love and a firm hand with the structure that showed him, love, while allowing him to experience the situations made for himself. By enabling – they were taking all of the lessons away from him. He did not see any of the consequences; only the rewards. When in the situations it is hard. When you are dealing with people that you care about or love, it is hard. And it has taken me a lot of experiences and time to realize that. I am not perfect at this skill, but try to pause in most scenarios and think of the third person. Reframe it. What advice would I give someone else in this scenario and then, apply it to me? Did I mention I still have not mastered this?
The second story was about a woman who was dedicated to her church.; to her family and friends. She was a rock to so many people. A stable source of support and service. That amazing friend (or family member) we love so much… The funny thing about being dependable is that people can… depend… on you. This, in a single instance, is not necessarily a bad thing. Yet, when 10 people start to depend on you to meet their needs it can become something else entirely. In the example, her boss would call her with last-minute deadlines which would cost her family time. Her husband and children naturally needed things. The church would call for a last-minute community group fill in… It was overwhelming. The joy of giving became a job. The job became depressing. The depression was crushing her and so on.
The idea of boundaries is simple. Learn to say no. No does not mean you are not supportive or that you shed all care and responsibility. However, if you saying yes – takes another person’s success or failure as your sole responsibility – is it worth it? Let’s be clear. We work in teams. Families. Groups. We help each other in so many ways, as it takes all of us sometimes. But saving someone’s toosh time and time again only enables them to continue a course with no skin in the game. We sometimes have to experience a failure to experience success. Not every time, but in a holistic view, we do. Designate time for yourself. Ensure that in the sum of activities you are bustling about doing, YOU are in there too. Sure, sew little Jenny’s school costume or help little Jimmy with his science board (the hard parts). But little Jenny and little Jimmy can’t use “you didn’t remind me” as the excuse for being late with a project.
I would recommend this book to anyone that needs to hear the ugly truth. We need to be comfortable to let others fail. Yet, support them at the same time. It will be tough at first, and if my experience is like anyone else’s, it still can be. This book gives example after example as to how we can learn to make time for us, but not allowing us to lose sight of us. Our self.
I hope you take a moment today and think about this. Reflect for yourself on yourself. There is no “we” in team, but we can find a me buried within.
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